It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
