The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
