I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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