I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
