ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just forgot I was standing up.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
