I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Houston, we have a blender
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
