Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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