I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
