pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
