this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
