Kareoke will never be a sober sport
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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