Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
