I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
