I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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