Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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