guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
