Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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