I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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