And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
