so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
