i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
