the condom got lost in my hair
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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