Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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