Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
