I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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