i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
