A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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