ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
