pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
