Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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