So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Too much gin, very little bucket
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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