Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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