Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
