ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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