I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
