whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
