My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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