The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
