I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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