I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
