I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
