U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
