I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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