She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
