Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
