Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize