just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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