After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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