im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
