i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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