My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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