I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize