wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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