Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
