Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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