you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
