My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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