Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
