Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
