Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize
