Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
