I need help removing her.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
