look no pants
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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