my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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