You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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